A thumbing through our file told me we've been doing these letters since 1989. That's a while. In the first one we come right out and say most everyone's letters suck. We sure were bolder back then. The contents weren't quite a weird. Then again, maybe they were. here's the one from 1993:
On the 27th of November I had the following dream: The location is obviously Hell because most of the attendants are 13 year old boys. - a count on my fingers and toes tells me my son was about that age back then. Probably not a coincidence - I am skewered and on a spit above a large pile of charcoals, nicely glowing, perfect for that Saturday night summer barbecue. I don't believe I was being turned by Satan himself but instead by one of his myriad of minions who all looked like Dr. Schwartz my childhood eyes, ears, nose and throat doctor who was always running late. I really used to hate having to go there. I'd sit for hours with nothing to do but page through National Geographics. Could be the reason why the Sandman gave him the role over Clark Gable. Anyhow, as the meat thermometer in my side reached 130 degrees he says, "Well, it was your choice crybaby. You could have quietly written the Christmas letter but no, you'd rather have the joy of eternal suffering."
Upon awakening the following morning the dream entered my mind again and I realized an hour or two of infernal suffering on a Saturday afternoon was marginally preferable to the above. Therefore, and hence, the Peters family has compiled a list of things we did not do in 1993:
1) Mangle of maim anyone in our car accidents,
2) Go swimming in the pool - not sure what the hell that was about,
3) Sorry, at least we were, no winning lottery tickets,
4) No broken bones,
5) Go more than twenty miles from Minnesota,
6) Grow new digits, either foot or hand,
7) Cut the neighbors maple tree down but considered it,
8) Fail school,
9) Get caught. The truth be known, Annie did,
10) Amount to anything (daughter might and son is only 13 and already has a future in Hell;
see dream introduction),
11) Do illegal drugs (the times they are a-changing),
12) get free HBO,
14) Learn cleanliness from finches - we had a pair of the filthy little beasts,
15) Go one day without a family fight,
16) Enjoy or even tolerate the black flies in the Boundary Waters,
17) Have Michael Jackson over as a baby sitter - mea culpa, bad humor at the expense of a sitting
sitting duck,
18) Kill the kids (came close) - for sure this letter was written at a time of familial strife,
19) Fully appreciate life in the inner city - ain't gettin' any easier but we still live there,
20) Believe anything that came from the mouth of a government official - the times they ain't
a-changing.
There were many, many other accomplishments that weren't ours this year. However, one round score provides flavor enough. We end the year with a future pharmacist in our family and a hope that she will provide us with all the prescription medicine we will ever need.
This concept had a lot of potential and more or less fell flat on its face. Such is life. They can't all be winners. A couple woulda been nice. On the other hand it did continue to go against the grain.
No comments:
Post a Comment