We weren't alone on the lake, far from it. Emil said our neighbors were white pelicans. Huge birds that summered in the northland and wintered way down south. In the evenings they hung around together, all twelve of them. They'd line up like ships in the admiral's fleet on parade and paddle around the bays. When off in the distance their white turned to blue. Could be they reflected the color of the lake which was reflecting the color of the sky which was blue because of the way the air filtered sunlight. Yeah, it was sure an all-connected kind of day.
So that's what we were doing in the morning, watching three of them circle and rise on a column of warm air. Emil claimed he could make them rise even faster by spinning yarns.
While we stood crook-necked gazing, Uncle Emil ambushed me with a question, "Hard to believe you don't have any memory of your dad. Somewhere deep inside there must be something?"
Oof, that sure took me by surprise. Almost blurted out for Emil to cram it but said nothing. Would've been nice if he'd kept his question to himself. No such luck. What the heck, after some thought I figured he was a good guy doing what he was doing and sharing this wonderful lake with me. I mean, he didn't really need the burden of a kid while heading to a place he seemed to hold pretty special.
"There's not much to say about someone I never knew. Truth is, I don't even remember if I was at his funeral. Or saw him after he was dead. You'd think I'd remember if I had."
We eased our way out to the water's edge while being careful to not lose sight of the birds.
"I guess in an odd way he might have taught me something by not being around. That it's best to figure things out on my own even if it means screwing up a lot. And I sure do. Time after time. Seems I no more than clear off one mess when another pops up. I'd like to say I'm getting better but I have my doubts. Maybe I need to get a jump on the field. Solve the problem before it becomes one. Yeah, it'd be nice to get some advice from my old man now and then. But that's sure not going to happen, is it? Who knows? Could be the only advice that actually matters comes from inside me."
I paused. Thought for a minute and tried my best to not lose the pelicans.
"I suppose the person my old man's death affected most was my old man. He sure missed out on a lot. Doesn't seem fair. I suppose, had he a choice, he'd have held on a lot longer. Who wouldn't? I know for a fact I want my life to last longer than the fifty years he had. Makes me nervous that I won't."
"Seems he had really high blood pressure all his life. I was told he had rheumatic fever when he was young and it damaged his heart. But you never know. That might not have been it at all. My Mom says he woke up one night complaining of a headache and that was all she wrote. Massive stroke blew his head off. One minute sleeping, the next dead. And not enough money to pay for a funeral. So what exactly did he teach me? Guess it was a fear of dying young. I don't blame him for that. I guess my father was as much a victim as me. Huh, never thought of that before."
By now we were leveled out on the slab to take the strain off our necks, still watching the pelicans soaring higher and higher. Growing smaller and smaller. Without speaking a word we'd agreed to do the same thing. See how far up they'd go before those white dots disappeared. Wasn't an easy thing to do as the birds circled and climbed. Every so often I was forced to blink or squeeze my eyes shut to refocus. Then it was a search and a near panic to find the pelicans once more. Almost like it was the strength of our eyeballs keeping the birds aloft. Should we lose sight of them they'd no doubt plummet to their deaths. For sure they'd smack down right on top of us. Kill us both deader than door nails. What a way to go. I tell you it wasn't easy holding those buggers up there. Made me feel like Atlas toting the world around. Only he had his whole back to do the hoisting. We only had our eyeballs and willpower. And those ungrateful birds up above not caring one way or the other about us two fools down below on the gray rock. Little did they realize their precarious hold on life.
I won't belittle that moment by comparing the pelicans rising in the sky to souls or prayers rising to heaven. Yeah, the thought crossed my mind. Just finished eighth grade at St. Austin's. The nuns there drilled those kind of thoughts into our heads like they had nothing better to do. Catholic or Communist the idea was the same, get 'em while they're young and you've got 'em forever. As I saw it, the pelicans were rising because they were having fun and we were laying there talking about a man who wasn't around anymore except in our thoughts. The life that had once been my Dad had moved elsewhere or simply gone pfft. No clouds and harps. No paradise in the sky. Whatever happened after death was a mystery no matter how many books had been written otherwise. Simple as pie, when something's a mystery, people make stuff up to explain it. Tell you what, when I pass on I'll mail you a letter, let you know what's happening on the other side. I'm not being cynical, just admitting my ignorance.
"Yeah, even though I don't remember him, I miss him. He left a hole in my life that nothing or no one else can ever fill. Odd thing is, I have no idea what I should call him. Always have to pause to consider my choices, dad, daddy, father, none of 'em sound right. Suppose the way it should have worked out, I'd be on this trip with him. Or something like it."
"But I have to tell you Uncle Emil, seeing as how my old man couldn't make it, you'll do."
"Archie me lad, I'll take that as a compliment."
I lost them first. Probably because I wear glasses. And seemed the power of two eyes was concentrated in Emil's one. Claimed he could still see their feathers and the pelican on the left, the one he called Leroy, had a little speck of something on his beak. "Can't exactly see what it might be. But whatever it is, is mostly green with a few red flecks here and there. Kind of Christmasy you might say. What I'm getting around to is the gnat that's feasting away on the specks. Looks like he's missing his rear left leg. Poor little fella. Archie me lad, had I two good eyes I could probably see that bug's ancestors and descendants up to four generations both past and future."
Finally Emil gave up the ghost.
"Uncle Emil, how high do you think they'll go?"
"Who knows, maybe they'll just keep soaring all the way to yesterday, or tomorrow, or whatever's up there."
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