Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Promised Land - Letter to Archie

     Emil's was a mixed marriage.  He was raised a Lutheran, took his communion as a symbol.  Lena took hers as nothing less than the body and blood of Christ.  And took her Catholicism like her eucharist, body and blood.  Being an easy going soul, Emil had no problem switching religions in order to marry the love of his life.  Went to mass every sunday from the day of their wedding to that of her funeral.  Then he was done.  Didn't pass through the double doors of any church unless someone was being baptized, married or had passed on to his or her greater reward whatever that might be.  When the time came, Emil figured his reward would be to learn the answers to life's most important questions, such as: "Whatever happened to my blue, argyle sock?  I know it went into the washing machine but it sure didn't come out of the dryer", or "Whatever happened to my ball on the thirteenth hole down in Alex?  I know I drove it in the fairway.  Me and the Otte brothers searched for fifteen minutes.  Backed up golf traffic to the tenth hole.  Damned if we could find it."
     Yeah, Emil took life like he found it.  Sifted through the important moments to see if a grain of truth might be found on the screen.  Felt the same way about his years in church.  "There's some truth in nearly everything, even religion.  But you've gotta dig through the trash kinda like an archaeologic dig. A body has to move a lot of dirt to find the one pottery chip that'll tell you how it was made and something of the hand that made it."
     All well and good but those early years in sunday school stuck with him.  Brought up smidgeons of bible lessons most every day.  Might have a humorous spin.  Might be serious.  Either way I found his take entertaining.  Even got me thinking once in a while.  One of 'em came in a letter he sent.

     Dear Archie,

     Holy Moses, you wrote.  I was beginning to think you were dead.  Your's was the first envelope I've received in a long time that didn't have a bill in it.  Felt like slicing it open right there in the post office but figured it best to wait a while.  Savor the idea it might be worth reading for at least a few hours.  Anticipation is good.  Once back at the cabin I put it on the end table in the lookout.  Saved it for a treat along with my after dinner coffee and one of the english toffee cookies I'd bought at the bakery.
     Built the table from the scrap pile under the cabin.  She's about two and a half foot square with a full sized shelf beneath.  Good spot to stack books.  Legs are coupled two by fours of varying wood varieties   Top and shelf, left over birch floor boards.  Almost pretty if you squint just right.  The lamp atop's another salvage job.  Rescued it from the land fill.  Rewired, polished and topped with a new shade.  Works like a charm and only cost five bucks more than a new one.
     I finally did read your letter.  Three or four times even.  Good you finally came to grips with the Draft.  Can't be free unless your conscience is clean.  Well, mostly clean.  No matter what there's always a few skeletons rattling around in there.  And now you're enjoying your freedom by becoming a trained monkey.  That's the way she goes when you're in the Army.  Also another thing you'll have to come to grips with.  Everything balances out in the long run, sometimes even in the short.  At the end of the bad you'll find some good.  Unless, of course, you die before that happens.  Wouldn't bring that up but with a war going on I figure you're already aware of the possibility.
     I was thinking about balance just the other day.  That maybe the Old Testament got the Moses story a little topsy-turvy.  Those things happen now and then even in a good book.  Maybe God figured the Israelites couldn't handle the real truth.  Too tough on 'em.  The way the Bible tells it you'd think Moses was one great guy.  Well, he wasn't and that's the gospel truth.  In fact he was butt-ugly repulsive.  Not the way he looked.  As looks go he was a knockout.  Tall, muscular, maybe even swarthy.  Not sure about the last as I don't actually know what swarthy means.  Might not be good seein' as how the word's got a wart in the middle.  No, Moses was repulsive in the same way magnets can repulse.  Opposite poles attract, like ones repel.  Some call the force an aura.  Most of us have a little bit of an aura.  Moses, he had one in spades.
     Anyhow, when Moses was born he repulsed his parents 'cause of the like auras.  They took one look, screamed out "Monkey!", threw him in a basket - yeah, Moses was the original basket case - and dumped him in the river to get him out of sight.  Maybe be adopted by river rats and raised as one of their own.  On the other hand, the Egyptians were polar opposites from the Hebrews and it was natural the royal ladies'd see our hero come drifting along and pull the baby out of the rushes.  Thought him the cat's pajamas and if you've ever read much about the ancient Egyptians you know how they felt about cats, 'specially the ones in pajamas.  
     Time passed and Moses grew to be a big man in the big pond of Egypt out there on the desert.   Had no problem persecuting Hebrews since he found them as butt-ugly repulsive as they found him.  Let me tell you it took him by surprise when the angel of God popped up in a vision while Moses was eating his breakfast of Sphinx Toasties cereal, banana and orange juice and told him he was a Hebrew.  Boy was Moses conflicted.  So conflicted he went and asked his step-father, the Pharaoh, to let the Hebrews go.  Moses figured if they were gone he wouldn't feel so bad about himself.  Of course the Pharaoh laughed it off with a "Get real Moses you ain't no Hebrew.  You're a mummy-to-be just like the rest of us.  And just who do you think'll build our pyramids if we turn the Hebrews loose?  And just who'll run the delis?  I know for sure it won't be me.  Heck, without the Hebrews you and me'll end up wandering the desert for all eternity wrapped in strips of bed sheets with no place to rest our weary fleshless heads.  How do think that'll look?  And what'll it do to all those B grade movies?"
     Moses fell head over sandals for the Pharaoh's line of logic.  Fell so hard his aura also did a flip-flop.  Began to see the Hebrews in a different light and they, in turn, took a shine to him.  And the Egyptians saw him as he really was.  Yup, the honeymoon was over and Moses soon found himself doin' overtime as bottom man on the block hoisting crew.  Came to know the other end of the whip and found it not to his liking.  Pissed him off something fierce.  Got so mad his aura did another flip but he was so covered in muck it was hard to tell.  However, Moses felt the change this time and slowly figured out how to switch it on and off.
     Next time when Moses went to see the Pharaoh he fired up his negative side.  Pharaoh took one look and said, "Moses, long time no see.  Where you been?"  Moses did a "Hiya-ho Phar-e-oh" and just asked for the Hebrews to be set free.  But that got him nowhere.  Said a simple, "You'll be sorry," and skedaddled.  That night he bore down on the negative and sucked in a cloud of grasshoppers.  'Course they ate up all the crops and of course the Pharaoh didn't like that one bit.  But he had money in the bank and didn't worry a whole lot where his next meal was coming from.  Next day Moses went through the same spiel and Pharaoh, of course, did the same.  Moses left with a simple, "You'll be sorrier."  Next fell a plague of frogs and whatnot.  Chariots slidin' in the frog slime caused one big time traffic jam come rush hour.  'Course Pharaoh didn't much care 'cause he lived where he worked.
     This went on for a while, Pharaoh sayin' no and Moses sayin' "sorrier" all the time.  Here's where the Bible gets it wrong.  Over the next few weeks the plagues kept gettin bigger and the animals came from all over.  Cats, dogs, kinkajous, gnus, sheep, even holy cows ( I know, I know, not a one was bad enough on its own to change Pharaoh's mind.  But figure they were crushing down on the Egyptians and Hebrews and the result was not good at all).  Pharaoh, he didn't mind at all.  Had his street crews sweep up the mess, barbecue the beasts and held country-wide parties to eat the spoils.  Good time was had by all.  Till the first rhino fell.  Yup, the rhino was the straw.  Camel's backs broken, people crushed, houses flattened and the smell was something awful.  Don't know if you've ever enjoyed the fragrance of festering, sun-rotting rhino but even if you have, try to imagine a couple hundred thousand of them perking away on the streets of old Thebes.  Well, Pharaoh didn't have to imagine and he called for Moses.  Told him to gather up all the Hebrews and blow the coop.  And take the stink with him.
     Incidentally, that's how Moses parted the Red Sea.  Fired up his repulsive side and the water just scampered aside to get out of the way.
     So that's my convoluted advice to you about going to Vietnam.  Don't prejudge.  There's balance in everything.  There's bad in the good and good in the bad.  What seems your darkest hour can be the turning point in your life.  Less, of course, you get killed in the process.  But even that might have its upside.  Not sure what that might be but I have my hopes.
     By the by, just finished reading The Grapes of Wrath.  Kind of a promised land story the way Steinbeck told it.  Got me thinking of promised lands and how they've played out over the years.  'Bout all I can say for sure is sometimes they're there, sometimes they're not and I have my doubts about the promised part.  

     Yours in good fishing,
     Emil

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